day 1 take 4238

Day 1. Take 4238.
I know that I needed to try again, but as per usual it was harder than it sounded. There is so much baggage / plaque there. Plaque is my new word for baggage, its harder, more invasive, and more difficult to identify.
I know that I am being vague. I know what I am talking about. I think I know what I need to do.

Hi God, it's me. I feel like it have been so long since I have posted, yet not much has changed. Yes, I have graduated, landed a real job, and moved across the country, but somehow that does not seem like enough. But when will I ever see what I do as enough?
I had a long day today, and I was just about to leave when I got a call from a distraught parent who was clearly concerned about her daughter. I spoke with her at length, and then spoke to her daughter. I got off the phone feeling that maybe I had made a difference, an impact, or maybe even let them see the hope that I see. The thing is, is that most days I leave the office in a slump. I really like what I do, and I think that I can be good at it, but I struggle with the constant acuity of my patients and how I am able to handle the stress. Other days I come home and melt into a pool of depression. Am I taking too much home with me, or is what I am experiencing my own stuff? I know realistically that a good deal of it is my stuff and how I am or am not dealing with it, which I back to my starting point of not feeling like much has changed. The internal battle continues to rage, yet a different decibel, to set the tone for my life.
What do I do? What do I need to do differently?

25 things about me

I posted this on Facebook, but thought that I could post it here as well.

1. I don't like being wet. I was a swimmer for 20 years and I was fine when submerged in the water, but anything else was not fun.

2. Getting wet by the rain is the worse, that sticky drying feeling is not 'refreshing' for me. Oh, and count me out for the visit to the water park. No thank you.

3. I have an (ir)rational fear of cars exploding while pumping gas. I will not leave keys in the ignition when pumping gas and if I am with somebody else when they are filling I take their keys out. I don't want to be the meat in the car-b-que.

4. I prefer white and yellow foods. Example, mac and cheese, cornbread, toast, cereal, and plain pasta.

5. I have had mac and cheese at least once a week since I was 5 years old, and NO I do not get sick of it.

6. I have a limited understanding of the proper usage of condiments. Primarily due to the fact that I only started using them 6 years ago.

7. I worked one summer selling footwear to diabetic patients. The company would sell the shoes for $300 and then bill medicare. I felt like I was ripping off the government (though it was initiated and funded by the government).

8. I am not a pretty crier, it tends to get messy!

9. I never set my alarm clock for the time to end in 0 or 5. Instead I typically wake up at 7:26am.

10. I sleep on my stomach every night though can take a nap on my side.

11. I save nearly every e-mail I get. They are all sorted into numerous folders but I have e-mails from 1999.

12. I love to craft!

13. I crochet and knit, but can not read a pattern.

14. I am incredibly dyslexic, and pissed that the word is so hard to spell.

15. I did not learn to read until I was in 4th grade.

16. I have lived in more than 10 houses, and I remember the layout of each place.

17. My cats Lily and Pad saved my life last year.

18. I love hugs!

19. I had a blog for years and was able to write some pretty interesting bits.

20. I ran marathons and did triathlons a few years ago. I always thought that was my life goal, and once I completed them I had never felt so unfulfilled. I think about going back to running, but I like eating too much.

21. I am not a very good sleeper.

22. I have an online shop. Yeah ETSY! Business is slow right now

23. I deleted it.

24. I swam from Canada to America when I was 15.

25. Last but not least… I wanted to be a professional color-er when I grew up. I wanted to be the person who colored the front of the coloring books. Apparently this job does not exist, or if it did it has been replaced by a computer.

Laundry and Depression

Depression is like Laundry.

Let me first say that this analogy ONLY applies to MILD depression.

I love the smell of fresh clean laundry, it feels clean, it smells clean, it looks wonderful. Clean laundry is great, its not the world, but it is pretty nice to have. Dirty laundry is not so bad, you let it pile up and maybe put it away in a closet or hide it in a basket. Or when the dirty laundry starts to get out of control it covers your floor and you can see that clearly something needs to be done with it. You can only ignore it for so long until you start tripping over it and then things so bad pretty quickly.
The crux to this is the 'doing laundry' part. When you are surrounded by dirty laundry its not so bad, but the idea of lugging heavy baskets of your past dirty laundry down to the creepy, dark, smelly basement makes you want to not do laundry at all. Depression is the same in that when you are surrounded by it, its not 'that' bad and that idea of doing the work to get out of it seems like too much, instead you go back to the depression and sit in it until the magical laundry fairy arrives and fixes everything. If only you could constantly remember the smell, feel, touch, and sight of clean laundry aka happiness then it would make the process much more tolerable.
The key to fixing the problem, it not to let the laundry pile up!

Wow things have either been really busy for me or I have just not been keeping up with my blog.
I will go with both! In the last few months I have recovered from a severe depression, went to Australia, looked and applied for real jobs across the country, landed an awesome job, worked on my personal business and will be moving to a new state tomorrow. Things have been busy for sure. I don't know if I really want to recount every detail of these past few months, but I do want to catch up on my blog. I miss having a steady voice and something to share. My hesitation about blogging comes as no surprise with my new career and what it means for my confidentiality. So do I start a new blog? Only have invited guests? or just not worry about it?
Who knows what I will end up doing, but I am not ready to delete this blog. I spoke with a friend of mine about deleting personal blogs and she said that she felt relieved about deleting hers and that she had already lived through the things that she detailed on her blog so she found no reason to rehash the past. I on the other hand think that I may learn something from my old writings, or maybe just a new insight to what is important in life. I would like to be able to look back and think, "wow, I made it through and am just fine now". The only problem is that when things started to turn downwards I stopped blogging, I stopped talking, I was not able to be me. Maybe the second chance around I will keep my voice or be able to use it in a different way, a more positive way, a way to heal and move on.
This is my goal.

Bondi Beach

Wishing I was still at Bondi

Yup, 51 hours later I am home!

This is what happened, though they forgot to include the hours and hours of lines waiting for hotel vouchers and having to clear customs after sitting in the airport for nearly 8 hours!

A QANTAS jet with 350 people on board was forced to abort takeoff in Brisbane today when an engine fault was detected at 185km/h.

Los Angeles bound Flight QF175 reached a speed of 100 knots, or 185km/h, as it raced down the tarmac to liftoff, when a warning light indicating an engine malfunction forced the pilot to make an emergency stop before the plane either left the ground or overshot the runway.

A passenger on board the flight said the pilot announced an indicator light had warned of a malfunction in the jet's third engine.

With a takeoff speed for a Boeing 747 typically around 150 knots, QF175 had reached nearly two-thirds of full takeoff speed, but a Qantas spokeswoman described the aborted takeoff speed as "low".

"It was a rejected takeoff at low speed," the spokeswoman said.

The spokeswoman said the flight had been "delayed until 10.30 tomorrow morning due to a technical issue with the aircraft's engine".

All 350 passengers on board were accommodated in hotels overnight while engineers worked to fix the problem, with Qantas hoping the same plane would be ready to transport them to Los Angeles today.

Mark Wiemers, a passenger on board QF175 and a Platinum frequent flyer with Qantas, said he no longer feels safe with the airline, describing yesterday's ordeal as his worst flight experience ever after the pilot "slammed on the brakes".

"I'm not a one-time flyer – nothing really freaks me out – but what happened today really got to me," Mr Wiemers said.

"I fly regularly to Asia and the US, and I'm starting to get fearful flying with them."

Mr Wiemers said passengers were told the takeoff was aborted because an indicator warning light had flagged an engine malfunction in the third engine, but the pilot was confident the problem was likely just a faulty relay switch.

"He didn't believe it was a problem with the engine, because other alarms weren't going off.

"But with stopping just before takeoff speed, he came close to the end (of the runway) – he had to use a combination of brakes and reverse thrust – he had to really pull it up in a hurry so he didn't go airborne," Mr Wiemers said.

"You can play that down all you want, but if it was a simple problem, you'd be able to fix it."

Instead, Mr Wiemers said it wasn't until three or four hours later before Qantas decided the plane was unserviceable and conceded they would need to cancel the flight.

Just two weeks ago the same flight, QF175 from Brisbane to Los Angeles, was delayed for 14 hours because of another electrical fault.

That flight was delayed because of a fault in the indicator wiring in the electrical wing of the Boeing 747 but, instead of the flight being cancelled, Qantas sourced a part from Sydney and fixed it on the ground in Brisbane, flying out at 1am.

Mr Wiemers said frequent flyers like himself were not only the airline's best customers, but also the most at risk of being involved in an air accident.

"It's purely an ageing fleet and lack of maintenance, but I feel they've had too many warning signs," he said.

"How many incidents does it take before we have a disaster?

"And that's going to be a tragedy."The incident comes just two weeks after the civil aviation watchdog told Qantas to make a range of improvements to its aircraft maintenance system amid signs of "emerging problems".

The Civil Aviation Safety Authority took a closer look at the national carrier after a series of safety incidents which included an emergency landing in Manila when an oxygen tank exploded mid-flight in July.

3 Sisters

photo update

Sydney harbor bridge looking towards Luna Park

Day 2

Well I have been having a great time and have been all through the Sydney countryside. Yesterday we went to the Blue mountains which were amazing!!! we went and saw the three sister, which you are no longer allowed to climb, but I did get some pretty amazing photos of them. We then headed to a place called lillienfields for high tea! so much fun. I had a chocolate sampler type thing with a latte, I made sure to raise my pinky finger when drinking so that I would not look like an average jane. We then drove to a place called Katoomba and were going to do a bit of walking around the shops but it was pouring rain and freezing outside, so we stopped into a chocolate shop that my mom and her family would visit when they were kids (really old) and bought a few chocolates.Today I am headed into Sydney by ferry boat. I hope to wander around the Rocks area and take pictures of the harbor bridge. Yesterday was the coldest day in Sydney in the last 12 years, which seems fittingly appropriate :)

Oz

I do hope to be able to blog more in the next few weeks. I leave in a few hours for my flight to Sydney where I will be for a week, then to Adelaide for 3 weeks, and then to Brisbane for the last week.
See you on the flip side!

I passed

I passed the NCE!!!

Crafty post

I have been working on new items for both myself and for my shop. I am leaving in 2 weeks for a 5 week holiday in Australia. So when I started to prepare I thought of all sorts of things that I wanted to have, but of course I have no money. So instead of dwelling on the ever present negative fundage, I am making the things that I want. I just received a new passport, which is kind of a bummer because my last one was more than half way filled with stamps. Now I have to start over, and now it will be in style with a brand new passport holder. There is enough room for a passport, so extra cash, and any extra bits like phone numbers and important forms. I can't wait to use it.
I am not much of a jewelry person, I typically wear the same 4 pieces everyday. But I am going to be going to a few fancy things, and I needed a place to keep my treasures. I know that I could just put them in a plastic zip bag, but this looks sooo much better. It has loads of ties so that necklaces can be tied down without getting tangled, and shorter ties on the side for extra pendants and earrings.
Well that's all for now.
Where is everybody?

I still love Qantas

So with all of this talk about how Qantas has had a few issues in the last few days my friends are asking me if I am still going on my amazing trip. Um, that's like asking if I still want to eat cheese and drink water. Why on Earth would I not go, and why do they think that because of the last few days that Qantas is 'having problems'. Ok, and I not a spokesperson for Qantas, but I have to say that it is BY FAR the best airline that I have ever been on. I did have a nice trip on British Airways with an accidental seat mix up that landed me in first class, but I digress. I remember flying Qantas as a kid and thinking that I was a grown up because the people on the plane were incredibly nice to me. And long before 9/11 I was able to go visit the cock-pit and see all the fabulous buttons and switches... ahh the power those people must feel when then get to push and flip things.
Clearly I am tangential today, get over it.
Let's not forget that Qantas is the safest airline EVER, they are super nice, and I think they must have the best prices ever. Look at this deal, you get 3 stop-overs AND a flight from the US for $1,199!!! Come on, you can fly half way around the planet for basically 700 bucks, or you can take a jaunt to NYC or LA for the same amount. Do the math people, NYC for a weekend or AUSTRALIA for a week?
Ok, well that is my rant about how Qantas is half-past amazing and how everyone should experience the pleasure of flying for 14 straight hours! Bring it on :)

Yum

Once again I am detoxing off of diet Coke. Instead I am drinking Emergen-C!

Breathing

After a day like yesterday it was imperative that I find something to quite my soul. I was raging by the end of the day and needed to calm down so that I could function and move on. This bump (massive disruption) is nothing that I could have planned for, nothing that I did wrong, and nothing that I could do other than wait. I can do patience, I am good at it. But I am not good when things start to make my world spin in an opposite direction of the way they 'need' to be going. Yes I can chalk this up to a life lesson in patience and perseverance. So that I what I am going to do. I am done being mad (about this situation)... hopefully.
On another, much lighter note, I have started reading Eat, Pray Love. I LOVE this book. By the end of the intro I knew this was a book for me. This is what I want my life to be.
She talks about making decisions and the desire to fulfill a want and how uncomfortable it is for her to indulge in her wantonness. Ding ding ding, this is me to a T. She starts out small in fulfilling her wants, for example, she wants a new pencil box. She doesn't NEED a new pencil box, but she wants one and she thinks that indulging in this simple pleasure will be okay. But when she wants something that makes no sense or has no tangible value, such as learning Italian she has a hard time thinking that her want is acceptable. Acceptable wants? Seriously!
Yeah, I struggle with wants and needs all the time. If it is not tangible and I do not NEED it then why ask for it, why want it? Why do we want so much? Why do I want so much?
What is the meaning of want? According to Merriam-Webster
intransitive verb1: to be needy or destitute
2: to have or feel need wants for friends>
3: to be necessary or needed
4: to desire to come, go, or be wants in> <wants out of the deal>transitive verb>

YUCK!
Needy or destitute! I do wonder what the meaning of want is in other languages? Does it have the same implication? Same negative connotation?

IRATE

I have not idea how I can type this and not have all the keys on my keyboard not pop off. MY SCHOOL BLOWS DONKEY BALLS. I could not be more pissed off at this moment.
After waiting patiently for 2.5 years on EVERY LITTLE aspect of my education I think that I deserve a proper transcript. Not the stupid run around that I have endured for 4 weeks. All I want to do is to sit for my boards and get the hell out of here. I am so sick of the run around, of passing the buck, of dropping the ball, and the LIES. Lies. We are professional, why must you lie?
At this point I have little luck of being able to sit for the NCE in August because of a "miscommunication". This miscommunication involves 8,957 phone calls, 43,987 e-mails, and hours of my sitting and waiting for people to do their job. One would think that crossing all the T's and dotting all the I's and having it checked and re-checked and re-re checked would have guaranteed me a bit of certainty. But no, no such luck. At this point it looks like I will not be able to sit for the NCE until OCTOBER! Meaning that I will not get a job until late November or early December.
How am I going to survive with no money and no job?
I have an extra kidney if anyone is willing to buy it from me.

What happened to the end of my graduate school career??? It seems to have followed me for the last few months and, taking an extra class so that I can get licensed in Illinois, and then another class um... just because. So even though I have finished and all is well with my degree I apparently was not satisfied and needed something more. I think this will be the last class I take for awhile.
I have less than a month and I will be taking my national boards!!! Yikes. I did not start studying until this week and I think that has been a good move. I am not burned out (yet) and still have a really good handle on things I remember from school. So for the next month I am studying and getting ready for my awesome trip to Australia.
The trip has been booked and I have all my flights together for my travel within Australia. One thing that I have ALWAYS wanted to do is to go skiing in NSW. It sounds absolutely amazing to be able to ski there, the mountains may not be anything like Colorado but the idea of skiing in August excites me beyond measure. Can't wait! I have yet to find a skiing partner, so if you (Annie hint hint) want to go on an adventure let me know I am ready!
I am ready for an adventure. I am ready for a break. I am ready.

New stuff!

Well it is official I am done done done with graduate school. I should get my transcript sent off by early next week and then I can sit for my national boards on August 7th! So excited to be done!
Well thats it have a great day.

Ohhh yeah I have been meaning to update everyone on my new shop progress. Well as of today I finally have photos and descriptions to go with the things I have been working on. When I was with Amanda AKA LookingGlassJewels I finally bought the most amazing fabric that I had been drooling over for months. I have no idea what kind of fabric it is, but it is labeled amazing/brilliant. So clearly it was meant for me! The only catch and the reason I had not previously bought it was because you had to purchase the entire bolt, all 9 yards of it. So sweet little Amanda gently prodded (bashed me over the head with a steel pipe) until I caved in.
So my thought was to make a set of pockets to go into different sized bags. Hence the new shop name BagsForYou. I have a variety of pockets that can be purchased to go into bags, whether it be a tote bag, computer bag, ,computer sleeve, or a purse. The idea is to have 6 or 7 'pockets' of different sizes so that people can pick and choose hence personalizing their bag!

So far I have a camera pocket / cell phone pocket, Tampon Pocket / pen case, a top open pocket for just about anything, and a computer sleeve.

I will be posting these for the next few hours / days. Let me know any other ideas you have or requests or really anything.

On another note I am feeling kind of off lately:/

Ode to my J O B

All the arrangements have been made and I have 6 weeks left at this j o b. I would leave sooner but:

• I need the money


• I don't do well with too much extra time


• I am not selling enough (or anything) on etsy to buy a gallon of gas


• gas is expensive


• food is outragously expensive


• and I am hungry.

Treasury!

I made it into my first treasury on ETSY, unfortunatly I don't know how to capture the image on the site and put it on my blog but if you follow this link or go to http://www.etsy.com/treasury_list.php?room_id=51645 you can see my cuff in the upper right hand corner!!! So fun :)